16 days left in Korea. Just 16. And it feels like only yesterday I was telling my niece and nephew, “Hey, just 11 months more to go!” because they wanted me home so badly already. My family is excited for my return to Texas on August 25th, and I’m excited, too, but for the last couple weeks I’ve remained quiet on my blogs because I don’t know what to write or how to write it. This is my 4th attempt!
You might be asking: How do you feel? What will you do when you get home? Will you ever go back to Korea? That is the holy trinity of questions I’ve been asked a dozen times already. I guess I could’ve just posted a blog that says “I don’t know, fam” and called it good, although that would be boring and wouldn’t really help me process the closure of the biggest adventure I’ve ever had. So after three scrapped blogs and a few legitimate headaches, here’s your long overdue update:
I’ve had a rough go of things since Day One in Korea. Nothing turned out how I expected–and it’s not that my expectations were acutely specific (I didn’t even know where I was going to teach until I got here, for goodness’ sake)–but every month, I struggled so much. Culture shock and homesickness to an intense degree, a deep loneliness which became my constant companion for several weeks at a time, social anxiety which I never dealt with until living here, and of course, my mom being diagnosed with cancer in April.
I wanted to go home my first week of teaching, too. I was checking for one-way flights and contemplating the consequences of breaking my contract. Yeah, it was pretty bad. Still, I kept telling myself to give it three months before making any big decisions. According to some good advice I received, my feelings would change and I’d “get used to it.” It was true!
It took almost exactly 3 months for the homesickness and culture shock to disappear, and so the next big challenge was dealing with the language barrier and the loneliness it brought. The countryside of Korea, where I live, has very few English speakers and those that can speak English are often too afraid of trying for fear of failure. So I tried making more foreign friends. I succeeded on a few occasions and failed with a lot of others. Too much, I felt, for someone already feeling alone.
As a result, I had a hard time putting my heart out there in the months following, which caused a long season of loneliness so deep, it was like a weight sitting at the bottom of my heart. When I went on solo trips–from afternoon adventures to long weekends in a new place–the loneliness intensified.
My journey to Thailand in February was a breath of fresh air! I saw familiar friends who shared the same faith as me, who are great people through and through who introduced me to even more great people, all the while I could speak English and I never had to worry about a thing. My adventures in Thailand were so wonderful that by the time I got back to Korea I thought I just might sign on for another year teaching in Korea!
AND THEN, as you can probably guess, the hardest days I had in Korea came just around the corner when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I knew right then that I wouldn’t sign on for another year. No way. It simply felt like…the most right decision? But a decision with no other plans attached to it. That’s where my head is at now. You might ask what I plan to do, if I’ll stay in Texas, if I’ll ever go back to Korea or take a swing at it again with Canada, though to tell you the truth, I just want to help my family right now. Be with them, even if I’m lost in the transition for a while. And just like all the other adventures, God will show up and everything will fall into place over time.
So yeah, I only have 16 days left in Korea. My cousin from Canada is visiting me for practically the entire last month I have here and I love it. I finally have someone to talk to right when I need it, who understands what I’m going through, who gives me confidence and peace just before I make yet another enormous transition back into America. It might be some time before I follow up with another blog post when I get back to Texas (for reasons I’m sure you’ll understand). But I’m sure you’re just as curious as I am about how everything will turn out and what’ll happen next. So I’ll write them when I’m ready, and until then, this is my last post written during my first year as an English Teacher in Korea–the biggest adventure I’ve ever had in my life (so far)!
Signed,
Allison the Adventurer
[ August 9th, 2023 ] An Update
My mom just finished her 5th round of chemo (originally it was supposed to be 4–now it’s 8). Testing showed that the tumor is shrinking–and we’re so happy about that! At the same time, there’s still a long stretch of road ahead of us. We don’t know anything about surgery or gamma radiation at this point and all we can do is walk with my mom through this journey. We’re excited the tumor is shrinking, but it came with news of prolonged treatments that’ve been getting harder and harder for my mom each time. I’m glad I get to be there with her for the last stretch of her treatments and whatever may happen after that. I can finally be with my family soon. Hold on, Mom! 16 more days! See you soon ♥
